


A Sudden Change of Heart

by BigSimpin



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Anger, Angst, Confession, Discipline, F/M, Grief, Guilt, Heartbreak, Kissing, Mention of Death, Pregnant, Romance, Sex, Smut, Titans, Touch, abnormal titan - Freeform, definitely pregnant, hands tied, possibly pregnant, tied up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-13 22:01:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28785348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BigSimpin/pseuds/BigSimpin
Summary: During an expedition beyond the walls, you get into a tight spot with a friend. You both nearly die, but Levi swoops in and saves you. Leading up to a conversation that is long overdue.
Relationships: Levi/Reader
Kudos: 107





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> After rewatching Seasons 1-3 and starting season 4, I figured it was time to write about Levi. Because I seriously adore that man.  
> As usual, not beta read or edited. Hope you enjoy~

"Why?" My voice was hardly more than a whisper. I stared down at my scuffed boots, concentrating on the tears threatening to spill down my cheeks. I kept them at bay, though they burned. The last thing I wanted was for the captain to see my cry.

We'd only just made it to safety. Barely, actually. Levi had grabbed me in midair and took off at speeds I would've thought impossible when carrying another person- but Levi wasn't like a normal person. He tossed me onto this roof and asked me if I was alright, but I couldn't answer that right now. My mind was too busy replaying Hunter dying at the hands of a titan- or jaws, I should say- just past Levi's shoulder.

Why didn't he just grab Hunter? He risked all three of us getting killed by soaring right past him to me. I probably should've been grateful to have my life, but the image of Hunter being bitten in half by a titan was burned into my memory. My chest ached dully as guilt washed over me.

It should've been me.

"What do you mean 'why'?" He muttered, examining the wear on his shining blades. 

He sounded bored and indifferent, as always. It was infuriating and my guilt was forgotten for a moment. I should have been afraid, I should've been fighting the titans terrorizing the Scouts. But instead I stood atop an abandoned home arguing with the most fearsome man I'd ever met.

"Just last week you told me you couldn't stand the sight of me." I scoffed, "You said I shouldn't have joined the corps and should ask for a transfer because, and I quote, 'it would be in everyone's best interest.' And just before that we had a moment where I thought-"

"You thought what, exactly?" He interrupted, arching one perfect, blood-covered brow at me. 

"You know what? What I thought doesn't matter. Why don't you tell me what's going on? Because every time I think I know what it is and how you feel, you change your goddamn mind and leave me nothing short of confused." I spat, running a steaming, blood soaked hand through my tangled locks.

Levi stared at me silently, fuming literally and figuratively both from his temper and the titan blood staining his skin and clothes. I watched as his calloused fists clenched and unclenched. If it weren't for that small tell, I wouldn't have known that he was fighting to keep his temper. With how upset he was, I wasn't sure if he was going to discipline me, take off, or stand here until I spoke again. I didn't know which I'd prefer at this point.

For months, I chased Levi. He'd hold me behind for extra training, sometimes we'd have tea together, other times I caught him just staring at me from across the way. There were even a few stolen moments when we'd gotten close. He would brush my hair behind my ear or trace patters into my arm while listening to me ramble about whatever trivial matter had occurred that day. And, more often than not, we were on the same team when we went beyond the walls for expeditions. I thought all of these things were signs of something more... So, I tried talking to him about us, but he would cut the conversation short. And a couple weeks ago we almost kissed during one of our pre-dawn training sessions...That was when things got weird.

"I don't have time for this." He rolled his eyes and started to turn away from me.

"No." I snapped and grabbed his arm, jerking him back toward me roughly. He was strong and probably could've shaken me off if he really wanted to, but instead he glowered at me through the haze of titan steam clouding around us. "You're not leaving me hanging again. We're having this talk. Right now."

I was in no position to be making demands, especially to Captain Levi. But I was tired. I almost died and just watched one of my comrades die. It wasn't the first time, and it damn sure wouldn't be the last. But I'll be damned if I continue on living on in a state of confusion and wondering if I'm not good enough. I wanted to live a life worth living before inevitably being eaten or crushed or- The list was endless and I couldn't go down that rabbit hole right now, lest I get distracted from the matter at hand.

Levi's lips pressed into a hard, thin line. He let out a soft huff and instead of jerking out of my grasp, he turned into it. He stepped toward me until we were standing toe to toe, my hand still clenched in the fabric of his sleeve. He gazed down at me, dark eyes narrowed and searching as he leaned in until our noses nearly brushed. I wasn't sure what he was looking for in my gaze, but I hoped that he'd find whatever it was.

"You haven't been a scout for long, but you've seen what inevitably happens to everyone." His voice was soft and had he not been so close to me it would've been hard to hear him over the distant screams, clash of blades, and titan footfall."Everyone dies. It doesn't matter how talented you are," He reached out, brushing his hand down from my shoulder to the ODM gear at my waist, "You'll die horribly, and chances are I'll bear witness to it. Or," He sighed, trailing his hand back up lightly until his thumb rested just beneath my eye. He stroked his thumb across the crimson streaked skin there. His touch stirred up butterflies in my stomach and made my chest tighten.

"Or you'll be the one to witness my death. The closer we get, the more I let myself..." He shook his head and pulled away from me, leaving me cold, "We put humanity and the corps at risk if we let this," He motioned between us, "Happen. We'll put each other before everything. I've seen it happen time and time again, and it always ends in disaster. It's best if we-"

"You coward." I growled and jabbed my finger into his chest, "You strung me along, tossed me aside, and saved me just so you could tell me that you want nothing to do with me. And you give me this bullshit excuse about putting humanity first..." I chuckled, though nothing was funny. "Admit it, you're afraid to watch me die because for once in your life you care about something other than the Scouts and yourself."

"I-"

"Shut up, Levi." I snarled and stepped back. It was my turn to pull away and leave him standing alone. I released his sleeve and turned to the unsightly titans raining terror upon our comrades, "If anything, being with you would give me even more reason to fight for humanity- for a future with you." 

I clutched my blades tightly, letting my fingers hover over the triggers. Before I set off toward what might be the death of me, Levi stopped me. He grabbed me by the back of my neck and turned me so that I was facing him once more. I opened my mouth to tell him, more plainly this time, to fuck off. But before the words could spill from my lips, his mouth covered mine.

Levi kissed me with a fierceness I'd never experience before. One hand stayed clamped around the back of my neck while the other slipped around to my lower back, pulling my body flush against his. I wondered, briefly, what brought about this sudden change of heart. Then I reminded myself not question it. After all, this was what I wanted in the first place.

I let my fingers tangle in his hair as the world around us faded away until there was nothing but he and I locked in each other's arms. We might die today, hell we might die in the next few moments, but at the moment I couldn't bring myself to care about anything but the man kissing me.


	2. Indiscretion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're on your first expedition as an official member of Levi squad and get a little too distracted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! I enjoyed writing it. As usual, unedited and all that~

After that first kiss atop the roof of a dilapidated home, surrounded by death and titans, it became impossible for me to simply survive in the world. I could no longer coast by while doing the bare minimum. I needed to _live._

And it seemed very much like Levi felt the same way. Well, mostly the same way. We shared a few stolen kisses here and there when there was no one around to witness it. I didn't mind the secrecy, after all it would have been a scandal. There was no doubt in my mind that Commander Erwin would've stepped in to give us some speech about humanity and leadership.

It wasn't like we gave a shit about the humanity part. Having Levi this way gave me something more to fight for. It drove me to save humanity, not just for the good of the world, but so that I could have a future with him that didn't put either of us at risk of some gruesome death. As for Levi, I could never say for certain that he felt exactly the same way. But I knew without a doubt in my mind that he would put humanity first.

"Why are you just staring off into space? You should be on high alert out here." Levi's voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

"Right. Sorry Captain." I nodded fervently, my cheeks warming with an embarrassed blush.

I was officially part of the Levi squad now, and this was my first expedition with my new position. I didn't want to make a fool of myself in front of the others, but it seemed like that was impossible. My attention span was short these days, and with no titan sightings since we left the safety of Wall Rose, my mind was left idle enough to wander. 

I looked at everyone; Eld, Gunther, and Oruo. They had similar determined expressions on their faces. I screwed my lips up into a sort of sneer and drew my brows downward so that I, too, looked menacing and serious. I was one of them now, I should both look and act the part.

I glanced back at Levi, my face still skewered up in what I believed was a menacing scowl. His lips twitched subtly, a slight flick that no one but me noticed. My heart fluttered at the gentle amusement the flashed across his face before he buried it beneath his normal stoic exterior. I held back the laughter trying to bubble up my throat and averted my eyes as Levi nudged his horse to gallop ahead of the rest of us.

"You shouldn't be so obvious, you know."

Oruo's voice was gruff and nearly sent me flying out of my skin. Obvious? How was I being obvious at all? There was no way he was so observant that he sensed anything was going on between myself and the Captain?

My heart sank. Would Levi become distant again if he knew people were beginning to notice our closeness? The thought of him pulling away from me again and going back to being almost strangers was unfathomable. I didn't even want to entertain the idea. 

My eyes trailed over to where Levi rode at the front of our formation as I tried to think of something clever to say. Levi would have no problem formulating a response or even brushing Oruo off. I wished I was more like him in that way. Surely my shocked silence would arouse even more suspicion, so I said the first thing I could think of without trying to be clever or dismissive.

"W-What do you mean?" I stammered, hoping if I played dumb Oruo would second guess his suspicions and let it go.

"If you wanna get on the Captain's good side you can't make jokes like that. Get serious about this like you were when you were working to get on the squad. Once you prove yourself, then you can make your jokes and screw your face up like a clown." Oruo chided.

Relief flooded through me. I breathed out a sigh and let my shoulders slump momentarily. He didn't suspect anything was going on between myself and Levi. And he didn't notice Levi's almost-smirk a moment ago. Our secret was safe. For now.

"Right." I nodded and chuckled breathlessly, "I guess I am trying a little too hard to impress him. I'll take your advice." 

"You'd be the first to listen to this old man's advice." Oruo chuckled.

"There's a reason the rest of us don't take your advice, Oruo." Eld snickered as he galloped up to us.

"Oh yeah? And what reason is that?!" Oruo snapped, the vein on his forehead pulsing with irritation.

"Because you're-"

Their bickering was cut off before it even began by the sound of a flare. All of our heads snapped over in unison, glaring at the pillar of black smoke against the beamish blue sky. How ironic that it be such a beautiful day when death was certainly bearing down on us. The flare wasn't far from us- probably from the next team over. I swallowed hard around the lump that had risen in my throat. I'd faced plenty of titans before, taking them down either alone or as a team. But I was still chilled to the bone with fear each time I had to face one.

"Stay in formation. If it gets past the other squads, we will handle it." Levi called out to the rest of us. We nodded in unison, keeping our gazes split between the direction we were heading and the direction of the black plume.

There were no buildings or tall trees anywhere near us. If this abnormal reached us, we would be fighting on flat land. It had been done before, but someone almost always got injured. Only once had it resulted in the death of a squad member since I'd joined. Had they survived, there would be six of us rather than five.

The tension between all of us was so thick that I could've cut it with one of my blades. It was like we were trapped in an aoristic limbo. Would the titan come? When would it reach us? Would one of us die? How many have already died?

These questions repeated over and over in my mind as we rode on. The only thing that interrupted them was the steady pounding erupting from the ground beneath us. It could mean only one thing- the titan was coming toward us now. The other squads were not successful in taking it down. I looked to Levi whose grey gaze was trained on the direction of the rapidly approaching danger.

"Eld, Oruo, Reader, take this one! Gunther and I will be on standby." Levi shouted from his position.

"Get ready, kid. This'll be your first kill as part of the Levi squad!" Oruo shouted as he and the rest of us got into a standing position atop our horses' saddles.

"Remember the formation." Eld called to me over the impossibly loud sound of titan footfall. It was close. I could feel the shuddering ground making my entire body vibrate.

I inhaled deeply and nodded, finally looking to the beast bearing down on us. My heart pounded ridiculously at the fifteen meter beast with a toothy smile and bug-like eyes. Blood stained its feet. It must have trampled some of the scouts on its way here. I wanted to look at Levi, but I couldn't risk being distracted, especially around an abnormal. Especially running at us full speed.

"Trust your comrades." My voice was quiet enough that only I heard it. It was a gentle reminder that I always told myself when encountering a titan. A small comfort, but a comfort nonetheless. Levi squad was strong and capable. We would get the job done. We would look out for each other.

As the titan neared us, we shot off toward it. I aimed low, going for the legs. Eld and Oruo went for the nape at the same time. One would serve as more of a decoy while the other took the monster down. Just as I sliced open one of its' achilles tendons, I heard two shots. One from above, and one from behind.

I should have looked up at the sound of Gunther's voice. I knew I should have. But instead, my eyes found Levi's as I swung around the titan's body. His gaze was locked on me, his features set in a look of panic. 

My lips parted slightly, though I wasn't sure what I was going to call out to him. After all, I had no idea what was going on. Levi's ODM gear fired off, the grapples shooting straight for the titan. I glanced up- a mistake, I later realized- finding Eld in the titan's iron grip. It hadn't stopped running as it raised him higher in the air, just above its' gaping maw. It's gait was lopsided, now, making it harder for everyone to maneuver safely.

Had I been paying more attention to my own position rather than Eld in the titan's grip and Levi and his shining blades spinning mercilessly toward it, I would have realized that I wouldn't be able to hook onto the titan again. Instead, my wires would become tangled and bury themselves in the soil and pull me to the ground at a ridiculous speed.

Everything moved in slow motion. My hooks yanked me away from the titan and sent me barreling towards the ground. The grass was long, making it look soft. But I knew it would be hard. Hard enough to break bones. I released my hooks, hoping that if I pulled them out now it would slow my momentum, but it did not. 

I didn't want to watch the ground fly up at me like this. I didn't want it to be the last thing I saw. So, I turned my gaze back to where Levi had successfully freed Eld while Ouro and Gunther had slain the titan. They succeeded, even though I hadn't.

_Trust your comrades._

The sentiment echoed in my mind as I let my eyes slip shut. Levi soaring through the air like an avenging angel was the last thing I saw. If I died, I could go with the image of him burned in my head. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Except, I didn't die. I didn't even hit the ground like I thought I would. Instead, I hit _someone._

My eyes snapped open as their body thudded against mine, knocking the breath out of me. I gasped and coughed as we hit the ground together at a different angle. We tumbled and rolled, sending grass and dirt flying all around. I recognized Levi's sturdy frame pressed firmly against me, his arms encasing me tightly. Despite the pain I felt in my entire body from our impact, I felt a strange sense of comfort just from his presence.

We finally came to a stop, Levi landing on top of me. We stayed completely still for a few beats, staring at each other as we both willed air to enter our burning lungs. He looked... Worried, then relieved, then angry.

Oh boy.

Levi rolled off of me, but instead of getting to his feet, he yanked me up by my shoulders. His eyes were burning coals that bore into mine with intensity I'd never seen before. I opened my mouth to apologize because it was the only thing I could think to do. But he cut me off by shaking me roughly.

"You could have _died."_ He growled, his grip on my arms tightening painfully, "You let yourself get distracted. You didn't even try to maneuver your body or break your fall! What were you thinking? Were you trying to get yourself killed?"

His words cut through me and I looked down at the grass beneath my bloodied knees. I was like a child who had been caught stealing, with my red cheeks and tear filled eyes.. Shame washed over me as I realized he was right. I could have twisted my body, I could have not gotten distracted in the first place. I was an idiot. I froze up when it mattered most. I didn't deserve to be here, on Levi squad.

"Do you have anything to say?" His voice was strained and I looked back at him once more. His storm cloud eyes were glistening with unshed tears. The sight was a shock. I'd never seen Levi show any emotions besides anger, indifference, determination, and the occasional warmth. I'd seen him forlorn a few times after failed expeditions when many of our scouts were brought home beneath white cloths. But I'd never seen tears in his eyes.

"I-I'm sorry, Captain." I whimpered as my tears finally spilled over. I ducked my head in apology, watching the tears splatter against my torn trousers.

"Hey, what the Hell were you doing out there, kid?!" Oruo's voice cut through the air as he and the others approached us.

I waited for a tongue lashing from them, but it never came. Their footsteps halted a few feet from us, but they all remained silent now. I looked up to find Levi holding a hand up to them, shaking his head. The glowered down at me, gazes filled to the brim with disappointment. 

"I'll handle her discipline. Send out a flare, we're going back." Levi sighed as he got to his feet without another look at me.

My heart hammered in my chest as I followed my comrades back to our horses. My body ached, but I didn't have time to worry about whatever injuries I'd sustained. My mind was focused on what my discipline would be. I'd heard stories from other scouts about Levi's methods. He was rough and sometimes even brutal, depending on the severity of whatever the screw up was. Surely... Surely it wouldn't be too bad.

One could only hope.


	3. No More Waiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Levi pulls you away from your training, you think he's finally going to discipline you. But things go much different than you expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh the inevitable smut. I couldn't help myself. It was fun to write it, although I still feel a little awkward writing it. I'm sure I'll get comfortable the more I write it. I hope you guys like it

My shoulder ached sharply as I trained with my comrades. I was paired up with a kind girl named Petra today. She was to be the newest member of Levi Squad. I wasn't sure why they'd pair someone new with someone who, technically speaking, was in trouble with the captain. They should've let Eld spar with her. Or Gunther. Had that been the case, I'd be able to wallow in my insecurities.

Levi hadn't spoken to me since the incident. Not on the ride back to the wall, not yesterday or this morning. I wasn't expecting him to drag me by my hair to a whipping post, nor did I expect him to pull me aside privately to talk or...

No, I couldn't let my mind go there. It would only make the hollow ache in my chest grow stronger. I should just focus on training and Petra's idle chatter. It might make the time go by faster. It had already been the only thing keeping me from imagining what my punishment would be.

_I'll handle her discipline._

Levi's words echoed in my mind and filled me with dread. My relationship with him, our intimacy, none of it matter when it came to matters of the Scouts. He was Captain Levi first and foremost, and I knew that meant he would set aside any and all personal feelings in order to treat me as he would anyone else. I'd heard rumors about his disciplinary measures from other Scouts. He was... Rough. 

I swallowed hard, blocking Petra's right hook and feinting left. The blow wasn't an especially hard one, but it sent a shockwave of pain through my shoulder and down my arm. I winced slightly and swung back, fighting against the pain to train well. Maybe if I didn't slack at all Levi would cut me some slack.

Not likely, but a girl could dream.

"Reader!" Levi's voice echoed in the small training clearing. 

I froze in place, causing Petra's fist to connect with my cheek. It hurt, but my mind couldn't focus on that or her apologies as she stepped back. My eyes slid across to the barracks where Levi was standing. He was dressed formally in his clean white shirt and deep green coat with his signature cravat. He was beautiful and ominous as he glared out at me from across the way.

"You should probably go." Petra muttered, her mouth hardly moving. 

My frozen limbs thawed, allowing me to nod at Petra. I'd have to thank her later. If not for her soft voice, there was no telling how long I would've stood there, frozen in shock. It had been days since I'd heard Levi's voice or even saw him. Hearing him so loud and clear now when I was least expecting it was nerve wracking and somehow thrilling.

I strode toward Levi, holding my head high despite the anxious pounding in my chest. Was this it? Was he planning on punishing me today, right now? That was the only explanation that made any sense. I just wondered why he waited two whole days.

Levi said nothing as he led me into the cool, dimly lit corridor. I was drenched in sweat from spending hours sparring under the sun and the cool air made me shiver. I wished I could change into something dry, but Levi strode right past the barracks I was assigned to and kept going. I thought he would bring me to one of the Captain offices or to the dungeons. But he never broke pace as we passed both.

My nerves were getting the best of me and I wanted to inquire about where he was leading me, but I pushed the urge aside. I had a feeling unnecessary questions wouldn't do anything to help me here. I needed to keep from speaking until spoken to. We were not equals here, he was my superior.

He led me upstairs and down another corridor. When we got to the end he opened a door off to the right and stepped aside so that I could enter first. It was a bright and tidy room with a desk near the open window. A gentle breeze blew in, causing gooseflesh to pimple along my skin. I cursed my sweat drenched clothing once again. Levi marched inside behind me and shut the door firmly. He ignored my shiver as he stalked past me to that window, shutting it and drawing the curtains so that the room was cast in a shadow.

I remained near the door, my hands close to my sides as I observed the rest of the room. A modest bed and two bookshelves... A bedside table... A chair near the furnace. No torture equipment. Maybe he wouldn't be punishing me as harshly as I initially thought. I sighed through my nose, only slightly relieved at what might be my first bit of good luck since the streak of bad luck with that titan.

Levi still hadn't said a word and was standing at the desk with his back to me. He was leaning over it, his palms flat against the smooth wood and his head bowed low. I would've killed to be able to read thoughts, or to be able to see the look in his eyes at that very moment. Then I'd at least be able to gauge his mood. Not knowing like this was maddening and the quiet between us was deafening.

"Levi, I'm sorry." I spoke timidly. I knew it was probably not the best idea, but I couldn't take the silence any longer. And besides, I truly was sorry. Sorry for getting distracted, for getting hurt and hurting him, and for worrying him. I knew that deep down the source of his anger towards me was because I scared him. Only two weeks after he all but said he couldn't let me into his personal life because he was afraid of me dying, I very well almost died.

"You're sorry?" He chuckled, but there was no humor in his voice, "You've no need to be sorry, Reader. This, all of this, is on me." The self loathing in his voice was evident and made my heart ache. How could he blame himself for what happened? I was the one who let myself get distracted during an expedition.

"I don't know what you mean. I wasn't paying attention and we both got hurt. It's _my_ fault." I argued.

Levi spun around in a flash and approached me with a dark look in his eyes. It almost scared me, I'd never seen him look like this before. Not even when facing criminals or titans. He was normally intense, but this... I wondered just what had happened in his life to make him hate himself so.

I backed up as he got closer, my back hitting the sturdy door behind me. I kept my gaze locked on his, determined to not show any other outward signs of fear. Even as he stepped right up to me, our bodies only inches apart, I kept my eyes up and my back straight. 

He smelled of cedar and lotus and fresh linens and musk. A familiar aroma that I'd come to love over the past few weeks. I wanted to lean my face closer to his collar and really breathe in his comforting scent, but doing so would no doubt interrupt both of our train of thoughts. If I knew it would lead in the direction I wanted, I would have done it. But in this mood... I couldn't be sure of what he'd do next.

"I knew that if I let myself get close to you... To-to..." He shook his head and sighed, "I knew you'd die. Everything... Everyone I touch dies."

He raised his hands, calloused and scarred from years of fighting and stared at them like they were the bane of his existence. I couldn't understand why because to me they were beautiful and told stories I only wished I could decipher. I reached up slowly and grasped them in my own, gazing at them in awe. I traced sweet circles into his skin, hoping that my touch would somehow make him see his beauty.

"Everyone dies." I murmured, pulling his hands close and pressing my lips to each of his fingertips as I spoke in a hushed tone, "None of it is your fault. It's the nature of our world- a disgusting place full of unspeakable horrors. But..." I pressed his hands to my cheeks and sighed softly at their warmth. My eyelids fluttered shut for a moment, "There are beautiful treasures to be discovered. Treasures like you." I opened my eyes, looking up at him through my dark lashes.

His expression softened momentarily- so briefly that I questioned if it even actually happened. Just as soon as the look faded, he yanked his hands away from my face and stepped back, leaving me cold and longing to feel him again. My hands hovered near my face for a moment as my nostrils flared in response. My better judgement was clouded by a frustrated haze. I couldn't understand how someone so strong and fierce and _good_ could be so blind to all of the things they were. It made me angry, even, but not at him. No, I was angry at whoever made him think he was a taint to the world rather than a gift to humanity.

"You don't know what you're talking about." He waved his hand at me with a glare, "You don't know a thing about me or my past or the people who've suffered- who died- _because of me."_

"Well I wonder why I don't know any of it!" I shouted, not caring who might hear. I didn't care who knew about us. All that mattered was that Levi knew what a beautiful person he was in such a dark world. "You keep everything locked away from the world, turning yourself into an emotionless enigma. I get these glimpses of you when we're alone- the _real_ you. And then you lock it away again before I can really even get a good look and know you." 

"You don't want to know me." He snarled, his lips curling back in anger.

Now it was mine turn to stalk toward him. Only I didn't back him into a corner, he'd never give me the satisfaction of such a thing. He stood his ground, chest heaving as he held back the anger that wanted to boil over and burn me. I'd let it if it meant him being vulnerable for longer than a passing glance.

"All I've wanted since laying eyes on you was to know you." I growled. My hand snaked out lightning quick and snatched his cravat from his throat with a solid jerk. He inhaled sharply, the anger in his storm grey eyes wavering slightly. He wasn't expecting me to approach him or touch him. He expected me to do what I always did- give him space and wait like a sad puppy until he was ready to come back to me.

I was done waiting for him to make the first move. I was done asking him to want me. I would initiate it, I would take control of the situation. And if he said no, I would leave. The difference this time was that I wouldn't wait for him to come back again. This time I would be done for good, if that's what it came down to.

I pressed my palms to his chest and shoved him hard, "I keep waiting for you to commit or even just give me some sort of sign that you want me." I huffed as he stumbled back, looking genuinely shocked. "I'm tired of waiting." I stepped forward and shoved him again and again until the back of his knees hit the neatly made bed. "No more mind games. No more being wishy washy. You either want me..." I leaned forward, as if I was about to kiss him but I shoved him back onto the bed instead, "Or you don't. So which is it?"

Levi fell back onto the bed without putting up much of a fight. He stared at me with that shocked expression and for a moment I thought he was going to send me away. Just as I was about to give up and leave, his expression changed again. This was the most emotion I'd seen out of him in one day. It was honestly a little bit astonishing.

"Come here," He growled, sitting up just enough so that he could reach the hem of my jacket and pull me down on top of him.

I straddled his narrow hips and leaned down, taking his lips greedily with my own. This kiss reminded me very much of our first, only this one was laced with more hunger than desperation. It was as if he was holding back his desire this whole time and finally just let it off its leash. He hands tore at my clothing and tossed both my jacket and shirt aside in a single, swift motion. I shivered, although I was not cold. I was the opposite, actually.

My hands shook as I swatted his away from my bra. I was in charge here, not him. And although I was... Well, only slightly inexperienced, I was going to take the lead. With the way he let me push his hands up over his head without putting up a fight, I could tell he would let me. I trailed my tongue across his lower lip, asking for access as I began to carefully tie his hands together with his cravat.

He hummed out a surprised noise as I dragged my hands down his arms, letting my nails rake against skin and fabric until they found the buttons of his shirt. My nerves wavered more and more with each button I unfastened. It was as if my desire was taking over my body, leaving me and all of my insecurities in the passenger seat. 

My tongue slipped between his now parted lips and tasted the sweetness of honey and tea. It was intoxicating as it mingled with the taste of salt and coffee that was already on my own lips. I pushed his shirt open as far as it would go, tracing patterns in the smooth plains of his body. He was magnificent, as if God himself had taken seven days and seven nights to carve his perfect body into this very shape.

"Reader..." His voice was husky as I pulled my lips from his, choosing instead to kiss and lick hungrily along his jaw, "Are you sure-"

"I am. Are you?" I licked up to his ear, nipping at the lobe as he let out a shuddering breath. His face was flushed and the bulge in his pants pressed firmly against my burning core. It was as if he wanted me as bad as I wanted him. I ducked my head and licked along his exposed collarbone. My teeth then found the pulse at his throat and bit down hard enough that Levi let out a shocked hiss.

"Y-yes." He growled through his teeth, bucking his hips up against me.

I chuckled and slid down his body until I reached his navel. My fingers danced along his hips until they found his belt. I undid it swiftly, kissing and licking along the deep V between his hips as I slid his trousers down, down, down. His cock was straining against the fabric of his underwear. I smiled up at him as he stared down at me with heavy lids and parted lips. I wondered, briefly, how far he'd gone with anyone. Was I his first? What if I wasn't as good as...

I shook the thoughts away and jerked his boxers downward, letting his member bob free of them. I wasted no time, taking him into my mouth swiftly. He let out a strangled groan as I took in as much of him as I could. His legs twitched and his back arched against the bed. I sighed softly against his cock before sliding back up and then down again.

I got into a smooth rhythm, flicking my tongue against the underside of his cock as I went. He made soft, strangled noises as he squirmed beneath me. I moaned around him, the sound vibrating against him. I could tell he was holding back, trying to let me take my time and get comfortable here. But each stroke made that self control waver, I could see it in the way his muscles flexed against his shirt.

"Fuck...." Levi groaned, his hands clenching and unclenching above his head, "I c-can't..."

He sighed heavily and swung his bound hands down, tangling them in my mess of hair. I yelped in surprise as he yanked my head back, leaving me gasping and drooling over his throbbing cock. He stared down at me intensely, licking his lips as he brought his hips up. The smooth head of his cock slid past my lips and back out, causing him to shiver. He thrusted deeper and deeper, fucking my face slowly and never looking away. He didn't stop until my eyes watered and tears streaked down my hot cheeks.

"Ride me, Reader." His husky command was one I couldn't refuse. 

He released my hair, letting me undress the rest of the way. I felt exposed as I climbed atop his half dressed body. Every inch of my skin was bare and there was enough light in the room that there was no doubt Levi could see every scar, dimple, and freckle. I would've been embarrassed had his cock not been between my legs. 

It did make me nervous, though. He was... Different from the boys in my small town. In a place so small, there was not much for teenagers to do. Many of us passed the time playing spin the bottle, which quickly turned into seven minutes in heaven, which led to hooking up. None of it meant anything to any of us, it was simply what the boys thought was a fun way to pass the time. And back then I went along with it because I thought that maybe they'd get better over time.

They didn't.

"Take your time..." He murmured, relaxing his arms over his head once more as I hesitated over him, "I won't touch you... At first." The unspoken promise lingered on his smirking lips. 

I slowly lowered myself, my slick walls wrapping around his girth. I moaned softly at the electric sensation that swept through my body at the feel of him. I wondered why this felt so different, so much better, than it did with the others. Perhaps it was the desire and attraction between us. Perhaps it was because he wasn't an inexperience, bored boy fucking me to pass the time. He was Captain Levi, a busy man with a million other things to do and instead he lay writhing beneath my rocking hips.

"Good girl." Levi breathed as my hips bucked and grinded down against him. It was as if my body had a mind of its own as it rode Levi. My ass slapped noisily against him each time I took all of him in. It was a satisfying sound, one that empowered me and made me want to fuck him even harder.

Levi sat up, his arms swinging over me. His hands were still tied together, but that didn't stop him from grabbing my by the hair again. I gasped as he yanked my head back, arching my back until the ends of my hair brushed against my ass. His teeth sank into the tender skin of my neck, making me shudder in both pain and pleasure.

"Don't stop," Levi growled against my skin, "Fuck me."

I hadn't even realized I'd stopped until he spoke. The mixture of pleasure and pain had distracted me, but only for a moment. I planted my feet firmly on the bed, doing my best to adjust to the new position he held me in by my hair. Once I was sure I could move without toppling over, I began driving my hips down again, moaning as the shift caused his cock to hit a new spot.

"Levi..." His name was sweet on my lips and music to his ears. 

His lips kissed the spot where he bit me initially. Then, he bit down on my shoulder. I cried out and he jerked my hair again. A warning to be quiet. One that I wouldn't heed because I couldn't think straight with his hips moving in tandem with my own. I felt the pressure building and bubbling in my core. It wouldn't be long before I came undone and there was nothing I could do to hold it, or my moans, back.

"Come for me, baby." Levi moaned, thrusting into me so hard that it almost hurt. He did it again and again, kissing and biting along my skin until the dam broke and an orgasm rocked through my entire body.

The sound that left my lips was somewhere between human and animalistic. My thighs trembled and goosebumps covered my body. I was vaguely aware of Levi moaning out my name in response as his hips jerked forward two more times before finally going still. I let my eyes slip shut as a comforting warm sensation washed over me.

Levi's hands in my hair loosened, letting me curl forward so that my forehead could rest against his. His thumbs stroked circles in my back and his lips found mine. They were soft and sweet in stark contrast to the way he'd kissed along the bite marks on my neck and shoulder. 

"You're beautiful." He murmured, his voice wrapping around me like a warm embrace. I smiled and nuzzled my head against his neck. My body felt as heavy as my eyelids now. I wanted to stay awake to talk to Levi, to ask him if he knew now how wonderful he was. But his gentle hands tracing promises into my skin lulled me into a deep rest.


	4. An Endless Cycle of Grief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi returns from the 57th expedition outside of the walls and returns with a heavy heart. Reader does what she can to comfort him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not edited or beta read.  
> I'm sorry it took so long to get another chapter up! I hope you all enjoy.

I laid in the infirmary, kicking myself mentally as I stared up at the wooden ceiling beams. Today was the day we would do our test expedition with Eren. We needed every man on deck for this, but for some odd reason my body decided to expel fluids from just about every orifice. It was infuriating and Levi ordered me to stay here so that he wouldn't have to deal with me dying from dehydration on the back of my horse. I tried to argue, but he just walked away before I could get a word out.

That asshole.

I missed him.

The scouts had only been gone for a few hours, but it felt like an eternity as I just laid here waiting for their return. For Levi's return.

That's when I heard the commotion and I instantly knew they were back. Few things happened within the walls, so the smallest things caught everyone's attention and caused them to crowd the streets. The Survey Corps returning so soon from an expedition usually meant a failure so the commotion outside was no doubt from people cursing them for using their tax money for yet another "useless" mission.

I clambered to my feet, fighting the wave of nausea that rolled over me briefly. Once I was sure I wouldn't vomit everywhere I made my way across the room to the window that looked out over the street. My heart dropped at the sight below.

There were few bodies in the carts, yet the number of living scouts returning was far fewer than those who'd left early this morning. Did that mean they were all eaten? That would be the only explanation I could think of that would justify so few bodies.

My eyes searched Frantically for Levi, my heart racing with anxiety. He was there and alive, though his ankle was bandaged. The look on his face as a man approached him was so very dark. He almost looked empty as the man spoke to him. Something horrible happened, I realized as Levi handed the man something from his pocket.

That's when I noticed something else, something that caused a heaving sob to rip from my chest.

Squad Levi had been wiped out completely- aside from Levi.

A shaky hand rose to cover my mouth as tears spilled down my cheeks. It couldn't be true, they had to be alive. They had to. My eyes searched frantically for my friends, desperate to find even just one of them. But, much to my horror, they were nowhere to be seen.

I ran from the room, taking the stairs two at a time. The nausea that crippled me all morning was forgotten, replace by a stabbing pain in my chest. The world around me was a blur as I ran through the corridors. My mind had one singular goal and vision was tunneled in on it.

I burst through the final door, the midday sun nearly blinding me. It took a moment for them to adjust and for me to get my bearings enough to run in the right direction. Toward the caravan of my living comrades. I would reach them and surely I would find my squad alive and well and ready to gripe about the failed mission over drinks and something to eat.

I pushed past people, ignoring their shouts and stares as I beelined for the Survey Corps. The people closer to the front were pressed closely together, their bodies forming a nearly impenetrable wall. I ran at them full force anyway, bursting through the other side with so much momentum that I tripped and fell in front of Commander Erwin's horse.

I looked up from my position on the stone street. His body created a sort of eclipse and the sunlight behind him caused his hair to glow like a halo around his head. He was a gorgeous and intimidating man and I was sure he would scold me for interrupting their caravan. But instead he reached out and offered a hand to me.

I let him help me up, my face blazing with an embarrassed blush. Before I could open my mouth to speak he was motioning to the cart behind him where Eren and Mikasa were sitting together. Levi was further back, I realized, and staring at me in shock as the man I saw from the window cried at his side.

"Apologies, Commander." I muttered before going to the cart and climbing in next to Mikasa. Eren's eyes widened in surprise when he caught sight of me.

"Reader! You-you, where were you?" His tone was not accusatory, but his words cut me deep anyway.

"I was sick. Le- Captain Levi ordered me to stay behind so that I wouldn't hold anyone back..." I trailed off, glancing over my shoulder at Levi as we started moving again. "What happened to everyone? I-" The words got caught in my throat, choking me up as more tears welled in my eyes. My squad, my friends...

Eren glanced around warily and then leaned closer, his eyes filled with a deep sadness. That look alone told me all I needed to know. They were really dead. All of them, the strongest people I'd ever known... 

Dead.

"We were ambushed by the female titan. Your squad tried... They tried to protect me and they died." He sounded bitter and regretful. His hand twitched slightly and then clenched into a tight fist. "I shouldn't have let them. I should've-"

"You did your job, just as they did." Mikasa interrupted him before he could finish his sentence.

"Mikasa they died because of me. I could have saved them all." He argued, his grief turning into anger as he rounded on her.

"You could have died if not for their sacrifice." She muttered, "You all followed the Commander's orders. That's all there is to it."

"Yeah and the mission failed, so what good has it done us?" He spat.

"We got more intel on another titan shifter, one who seems to be against saving humanity." I spoke before Mikasa could, not wanting them to argue with so many eyes around to witness it. The Survey Corps was under enough scrutiny as it was. I wiped the tears from my eyes and put on a brave face, "Everyone did their part. Their death's are not your fault, their blood is not on your hands."

Eren wholeheartedly disagreed with me. I could see it in the stubborn set of his jaw and the way her narrowed his eyes as he averted his gaze, not meeting my eyes or Mikasa's. She let out a huff and crossed her arms, obviously annoyed with Eren's stubbornness. They were a pair, one in the same with a bond unlike any other.

When we pulled up to the stables and came to a stop I reached out to Eren. He flinched, but let me rest my hand on his shoulder lightly. "Thank you for trusting them. I know they'd be glad that you made it even though they didn't." My voice was thick with emotion as each of their faces flashed across my mind. I missed them dearly, my chest aching with grief. I should have been there with them. 

I should have died with them.

I clambered out of the wagon and made my way over to Levi. I wringed my hands out in front of me, keeping them busy so that they wouldn't shake. I struggled to swallow past the lump in my throat. Their faces kept flashing in my mind, smiling and laughing. I reminded myself that they gave their lives for the sake of humanity as I someday would, but it didn't soothe the pain of their absence.

Levi handed his horse off to one of the new recruits. A tall boy with a shadow cast over his long face. I felt for him as he walked off, remembering very well my first expedition beyond the walls. Unlike me, however, this was his second run in with titans. He fought for Trost and now he had just been on a failed expedition where he no doubt witnessed many people die. Many of those deaths had probably been friends.

"Levi..." I choked out his name, lifting my gaze to meet his.

His eyes were bloodshot, though there was not a single tear to be seen. He was also paler than usual beneath the blood and grime that cover his face, as if the loss of his squad was sucking the life from him. I understood it completely, I probably looked just the same.

"Not here." He muttered, his voice strained as he fought to keep his usual indifferent tone. 

He moved past me, limping heavily as if he was unable to put much weight on one ankle. He needed medical attention, but I was sure he wouldn't be seeking it right now. Not with the darkness in his gaze and cloud hanging over his head.

He lead me toward the barracks without glancing back. Normally this would not be permitted. Levi and I both thought it'd be best to keep our relationship under wraps as long as possible. Us being together wasn't breaking any rules, but neither of us wanted anyone to think this had been going on longer than it actually was and that Levi chose me for his squad simply because of our relationship. I was certain he wouldn't suffer much ridicule because of it, but there was no doubt in my mind that my reputation may suffer.

Commander Erwin caught my eyes as we passed. He stared at Levi for a moment, a frown on his perfect full lips. Then he looked to me and bowed his head as if in thanks. It puzzled me, but I remembered the rumors about how Levi came to join the Survey Corps. Erwin handpicked him from the underground. They must be close, I realized as we disappeared into the cool halls of the barracks.

Once we were away from prying eyes Levi reached back and grasped my hand firmly in his. It surprised me, to say the least. Physical contact was kept to a minimum, especially outside the four walls of his chambers. I welcomed it nonetheless, knowing he probably needed it as much as me.

I stroked gentle circled against his calloused hands. His touch and his presence brought me little peace. Simply seeing him alive hadn't been enough to ease my anxiety about him. I needed to feel him and hold him to know that he really did return to me and didn't perish during the expedition.

Once inside of his room he immediately went over to the water basin in the corner and began undressing. His movements were stiff. He was still trying to hold himself together even though it was just the two of us.

I closed the door gently and stood there, waiting for him to speak. I wanted to go to him, wrap him in my arms and cry against him. I wanted him to let his own pain and suffering out as well. I wanted him to trust me as much as I trusted him, so much that I didn't care that tears were now streaming freely down my cheeks for what felt like the hundredth time today.

I couldn't be the one to make the first move, though. Levi was much life a street cat. His trust was earned and any misstep or touch that was unwanted would cause him to run from me. He would come around, come to me, when he was ready. Until then, him bringing me here would be enough.

I slowly moved to the chair near the furnace, sitting so that I was facing Levi's bare back. He scrubbed furiously at his skin, getting rid of dirt and grime and blood. So much blood. I wondered how much was his, a titans', and our comrades'. It'd probably best if I never knew the answer to that question.

The sound of Levi's labored, almost angry breathing was the only sound in the room beside the splash of water against his skin and the wood floor. His muscles flexed as he worked too hard to clean himself. It took every ounce of my self control to not close the space between us and try to calm him down.

"I couldn't save them. I couldn't turn back for them." He growled, slamming the rag into the sink with a loud splash. "I followed orders, I kept Eren alive. But at what cost?" His voice broke as his palm slammed against the edge of the bucket. I flinched at the noise, but otherwise kept still and silent.

"There's another titan like Eren, one who had no problem squashing our squad and others like bugs. And the really fucked up part about it all is that I can't bring myself to properly mourn my comrades because I'm too busy being relieved that I ordered you to stay behind. I'm a selfish fucking bastard." He seethed, the anger radiated off of him in palpable waves, "So many lives were lost and I'm only glad that it wasn't you."

"Levi-"

"Don't try and tell me that I'm not a monster and that it's okay. It's not. I swore to put humanity first. My comrades trusted me. And they died because not only was I doing my duty in protecting Eren, but I was also protecting _myself._ " His words dripped acid as he finally turned to face me with reddened cheeks.

"You're only human, Levi." I whispered.

His only response was a laugh filled with self loathing. His whole body shook as he hunched over, chuckling ceaselessly under his breath. I stared at him, unsure of what to say or do. Levi rarely smiled, much less laughed. He had to be in a state of shock. That was the only reasonable explanation I could come to.

The laughter soon dissolved into breathless sobs. He sucked in air and shook as tears dripped from his face onto the floor. I moved quickly and without thinking. I was on my feet and across the room to him in the blink of an eye, my arms wrapping tightly around him.

He sagged against me, his head pressed against my shoulder. I shushed him softly and ran a hand through his hair. He smelled of sweat and copper. He had to be exhausted, despite the fact that he never actually seemed like he needed to sleep. This exhaustion was probably emotional, his mind tired of the constant death and grief. It was unending and there was only so much a person could take.

As I lead Levi to his bed my grief became completely insignificant. My mind was solely focused on comforting the man crying softly in my arms. We laid back, his head never leaving the crooked of my neck. I pressed my lips to the side of his head and hummed softly to cover the sounds of his sobs. 

Eventually he stilled and his breathing evened out. He was asleep. For the first time since he and I started seeing each other, he was resting. This was more shocking than seeing him laugh and cry. The day was just full of surprises. 

I sighed against his hair, breathing in the scent of him beneath the blood and sweat. I let myself feel my own grief again now that Levi seemed to be as peaceful as he could be after the day he had. 

I didn't just cry for the friends I lost today. I cried in relief. Levi was alive and safe in my arms where he fit perfectly. Then I cried because I was grateful that he made me stay behind. I was able to be here with him and for him. It filled me with guilt, but the feeling of relief washing over me was much stronger. 

"Thank you." I whispered to whatever higher power may be listening as I clung to Levi.


	5. Changing Tides

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader is bad at math, but things *really* aren't adding up. They have to tell Levi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not edited or beta read. Sorry it took a while for me to add to this!

I watched new recruits practice their hand to hand combat. Normally I'd be okay with supervising things, but today I wished I could just spar with someone. My mind went over the days and weeks over and over again, adding and subtracting and trying like hell to make the numbers work in my favor. But they never did.

I thought back over the last few weeks, trying to pinpoint where it all went wrong. There was the smell of... I think it was a porridge one morning that made my stomach turn. I wrote it off as maybe bad ingredients, but was it... 

God damn it. God damn it all.

I'd have to tell Levi about this. And I wasn't sure how he would react. Would he be excited? Or would he, like me, have a sinking pit in his stomach?

I couldn't even fathom bringing a child into this world with the state it's in. And the Scout's... I'd have to retire from them eventually, once my... Condition worsened. What would my life be then, without them? The scouts and Levi were all I've had for so long now, I couldn't imagine my life without them.

But...

A shred of hopefulness blossomed in my chest. My life would change drastically, but this could be something new and beautiful. In a world so full of death, I could have another person to love and protect- even more reason to fight for humanity. And what's more, this child is Levi's. A piece of him and I, two halves of one perfect whole.

I smiled to myself as I imagined them- all dark hair with Levi's impossibly blue eyes.

"What's on your mind?" Levi's voice came out of nowhere and I jumped in surprise, bringing a hand to my chest.

"Jeez, make some noise or something so I know you're coming." I chuckled.

"Mmm. I'll try to remember that next time."

"Sure," I rolled my eyes, knowing he wouldn't, "What's up?" I asked. Levi didn't frequent the training grounds often. He spent most of his time with Erwin and Hange, planning our next move and handling the paperwork that seemed to have no end.

"I got bored of paperwork." He shrugged and then crossed his arms over his chest as he watched with indifference as the recruits sparred. "But really, what were you thinking about just then? You were making a weird face."

"Me smiling is a weird face?" I cocked an eyebrow at him.

"When you have a faraway look in your eyes, kind of." He smirked, leaning away when I tried to elbow him in the ribs.

"Ass." I huffed.

"Don't change the subject." He pushed, unrelenting in his attempt to get inside my head.

"God. You're pushy today." I grumbled. Levi just stared at me, waiting.

I felt my palms start to sweat. I wasn't sure if this was the right place or time to tell him anything. But I also knew there would never be a right place or time to break news like this. And if I didn't tell him now, I wasn't sure when I'd be able to work up the nerve to bring it up later.

I stared up at the sky, only a few shades lighter than Levi's eyes. Puffy, white clouds drifted overhead at a snail's pace and a gentle breeze ruffled the leaves of nearby trees. I closed my eyes and rubbed at my temples, breathing in the fresh air as I finally caved.

"Keep going guys, I'll be right back." I called to the recruits before walking far enough away that no one would be able to hear us talk.

Levi followed me wordlessly. I could feel his eyes on me the entire time. He must truly be bored if he was so concerned about me making a "weird" face.

"I don't know if this is the best place to tell you, but I know you won't leave me alone until I talk," I glared pointedly at him as he leaned back against a tree with a rather smug look on his face.

"Well," He sighed with a devilish smirk, "Get on with it."

I took a deep breath and leveled my gaze with his, "I think I might be pregnant."

The smugness slowly faded from his face, replaced by confusion and just a little bit of panic. He pushed off of the tree, straightening himself as he looked me over from head to toe. His dark brows knit together as he ran a hand through his hair. His mind was no doubt trying to wrap itself around this shocking information. Though, I had to admit, with how much sex we had... Well, it shouldn't have been this shocking.

"Are you sure? I mean, we-"

"Yeah, we did what we could to prevent it... Most of the time." I sighed and pressed the palm of my hand to my forehead, remembering the few times we'd gotten a little too carried away. "But I'm sure. Like. Ninety-nine percent."

Levi made a choking noise, his fingers still knotted in his hair. He stared at the ground with wide, scared eyes. I kept quiet, giving him a minute to process. This is something that would affect both of our lives. Not to mention, something that we were responsible for. This would be a person, a vulnerable and very small, helpless person...

"Hey," I reached out, grabbing his arm to jolt him from his thoughts, "It'll be okay. Once this starts to affect my movement I'll just change jobs. I can just oversee training or help with paperwork, or-"

"Are you insane?" Levi spat, jerking his arm from my grasp, "You want to swing around in ODM gear and fight titans _while pregnant?_ " His tone was harsh. He spoke to me as if I'd just said the most absurd thing he'd ever heard.

"Well I feel fine, it won't affect me physically for a few months at least." I frowned, not understanding where this hostility came from.

"Reader, you're pregnant. You- You shouldn't use maneuvering gear, or fight, or even ride horses for that matter. You can't. I can... You can stay in my quarters until I get a house. I'll take care of everything. You should just-"

I held up a hand to cut him off as I glared darkly at him. Hot anger shot through me, pricking at every nerve in me. Levi was my captain, yes, but that didn't mean he could order me around over something in our personal life. He wasn't thinking like a captain right now, he was thinking like a...

Like a husband.

The thought surprised me. Over the course of this relationship we've built I've not once thought of him as a husband, really. Of course marriage had crossed my mind on numerous occasions, but we acted more as carefree lovers. We snuck around in secret, ducking off into dark corridors or his chambers or office. We'd never talked of homes or children or anything even sort of like that.

"I know my body and my limitations." I growled through gritted teeth, " I will continue to be a Scout and work as I have been for years now until my condition affects me physically. Whether that be on Levi Squad or not all depends on you."

"Reader, it is affecting you. And the baby. Every time you choose to fight or even train too hard you'll both be at risk. Even if you're not about to pop. You're meant to take it easy, you can't keep..." He groaned in frustration, "I forbid this. You're not going to fight titans or people or anyone." His voice rang out with a note of finality.

Angry tears stung my eyes and spilled down my hot cheeks. I clenched my hands into fists to conceal the fact that they were trembling. I could hardly believe what he was saying. The Scouts were dwindling, they need every hand on deck. I could work, I knew I could.

"How dare you use your rank for your own personal agenda." I spat, acid dripping from my lips as I stood toe to toe with him. Neither of us shrunk away from the other. We were like two bulls, our horns locked stubbornly together as we fought furiously. "I'll go to Hange or Erwin and get placed with a different squad."

"I'm sure they'll tell you exactly what I just told you." He used the tone he always took on when he spoke to his subordinates and suddenly I wasn't the woman he'd slept with and confessed feelings for over the last few months. Instead I was once again the new recruit, one wrong move away from a swift kick in the ass.

"You're wrong." I hissed.

Levi sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He breathed deeply, fighting for control of his temper. I watched, fuming, as his shoulders slowly relaxed. I hoped he would relent, that he wouldn't stand in the way of me and the only things that brought meaning to my boring life.

"I'm going to the interior with Hange, on business for Erwin." He sighed, dropping his hand, "I came to let you know that. I didn't come here to argue with you."

All hopes of Levi caving were crushed then and there. This was a tactic he'd used on me more than once when we were locked in a stalemate- the subject change. I wanted to push him, to further assert that he was being unfair and ridiculous. But I was keenly aware of people staring at us. I had been so caught up in my anger that I forgot we were on the edge of the training yard.

"Okay." I ground out, keeping my back to the recruits and officers on the field.

Levi stepped forward, bringing his arm up to pull me to him. He pressed his lips softly to my cheek and trailed them to my ear. His breath was warm and tickled me. Despite my anger, his tender touch softened my tense muscles. I was surprised that he was holding me like this in front of, well, anyone in general. Before today, we never so much as looked at each other for too long while other people were present.

"I should be back relatively soon, if everything goes according to plan. I..." He paused, "I'll see you soon."

With that, he pulled away from me. I closed my eyes, still shaking and angry. I tried mimicking the deep breaths he'd taken earlier. I needed to calm down before returning to training. Although I was sure everyone had heard a decent amount of our conversation, I still didn't want any of them to see me in such a state up close.

"Shouldn't you all be training?" Levi growled as he walked past me, no doubt glaring blackly at every person who dared to stare at us.

As his footsteps faded, I began to regret the argument. Although I should be relieved about him working in the interior and not outside of the walls, I was still nervous for him. The people inside the walls were every bit as dangerous as the titans.

Somehow, I managed to control my temper for the remainder of training. A few people snuck looks at me here and there, no doubt taking note of my red eyes and flushed skin. I did my best to ignore them, but if anyone stared for too long I shot them a look that was almost as intimidating as Levi's. 

As soon as it was quitting time, I marched to the barracks. Levi was personally involved with me and this situation was no doubt clouding his judgement. I'd go over him, straight to the Commander. Surely he would see things with a clear mind and sound judgement.

Commander Erwin rarely left his office. He ate and slept there, as far as I knew. So, it was the first place I checked. I rapped sharply on the door, the sound echoing in the empty corridor.

"Come in," The Commander's deep, rich voice called from inside.

I pushed the door open and stepped inside, finding Erwin at his desk. He glanced up from the book on his desk as I shut the door. His eyebrows raised slightly as if he was surprised to see me standing before him.

"Ah," He quickly composed himself, "Reader, is it?" 

I nodded, staying close to the door. Though my anger gave me the confidence to come up here, it wavered as I stood before the Commander. Even sitting down, he was imposing and commanded respect. His face, though handsome and kind, was full of intensity and scrutiny. I swallowed hard, trying to muster up the gall to speak.

"Why don't you sit?" He motioned to an armchair adjacent to his large desk.

I nodded and made my way over to it, sitting on the very edge. Erwin's lips lilted up slightly in what seemed to be a tense smile as he poured water into a glass and offered it to me. I thanked him softly and took it, sipping at it just to avoid having to speak for a moment longer.

"Um." Erwin cleared his throat, "If there's an issue you'd like to bring to my attention, I must ask... Did you bring it up to your Captain first? Normally they are better suit to handle..." 

The look on my face as I thought of Levi were enough for Erwin to stop speaking. I gripped the glass of water between both hands, my knuckles turning white. The anger reared its ugly head again, accompanied by regret and anxiety. Erwin let out a deep sigh, sitting forward with his arms resting on the desk. His eyes softened as he offered me a handkerchief. I took it gratefully and dabbed at my eyes.

"I believe I am pregnant," I began, getting straight to the point. "Levi has ordered me not to continue accompanying the Scouts on missions or even the usual training. I don't believe that he is thinking clearly, given that-" I stopped abruptly, not sure how Levi would feel about me disclosing our relationship to the Commander of all people.

"He's the father." Erwin stated bluntly and my mouth literally dropped open. Erwin let out a rumbling chuckle, "I've known Levi far too long for much of anything to get past me." He spoke of Levi fondly, "Don't worry, he's never said anything outright. But I've seen the way he looks at you and the way you two interact... Well, let's just say it was plain as day to those of us who pay attention to detail."

I balked at the Commander, my anger all but forgotten for a moment. I thought we were careful, that our secret was just that. But I never realized how close Levi was to Erwin. In fact, I never gave it much thought before but now I realized they spent a lot of time together. Erwin was Commander when Levi joined the Scouts, as far as I knew. They worked together for years and had no doubt formed a friendship. 

I wondered if Levi knew that Erwin knew.

"Right. Okay. Well." I pulled myself together, "I came here to request that you overturn that order. I am still capable of carrying out my duties, for a few months at least."

Erwin sat back, studying my face intently. I felt small under his gaze, as if I were a bug trapped in a jar for him to gawk at up close. The only other person who made me feel such a was was Hange, but her looks were much more wild and intense- as if she couldn't wait to poke and prod me to find out everything she could.

"Do you remember your former squad mates?" He asked.

The thought of Petra, Eld, Gunther and Oluo was life a spear piercing my chest. Their deaths were still so fresh to me, a wound that had yet to close up. I remembered their determination as they left for that last expedition. And I remembered the deep sadness in Levi's eyes and the way his warm tears stained my shirt. I remembered the tears I cried when he dosed off into a light sleep. I held completely still, suppressing each and every sob that tried to claw its way up my throat.

I nodded robotically, my throat restricting as more tears filled my eyes. Erwin looked down solemnly and sighed. It didn't seem that their deaths had particularly affected him, moreso it seemed that the sadness so apparent on my face caused him to feel pity for me.

"Petra Ral, ten solo kills and forty-eight assists. Eld Jinn, fourteen solo kills and thirty-two assists. Gunth-"

"What do they have to do with this?" I choked out, cutting him off. 

"At one point they, like you, were some of our strongest. They were plenty capable of just about anything. And yet, they perished." Erwin kept a straight face and a steady voice, but I could see a deep sadness in his eyes. It was a look many of us had and would never shake- we'd all seen too much death.

"They only died because they were up against the Female Titan. She was intelligent and everyone was pretty much unprepared for that." I shot back.

"You're right." He agreed, "Do you think you could survive a battle against the Armored Titan or Colossal Titan?"

"I-" 

Could I? We knew next to nothing about those two, much less how to take them down. They were a mystery to everyone, even Levi. If I went up against them I would be severely injured at the very least- even with the help of my squad or even the entire Scout Regiment. 

"No." I sighed, wiping at my eyes once more, "I don't think anyone could. Not right now, at least." 

I hiccupped softly, feeling the life I built for myself beginning to crumble around me. Erwin was right about everything, and so was Levi. I was stubborn and selfish and I took my anger out on the person who meant the most to me. And now he was gone for God knows how long.

Erwin softened at the sight of me crying. He reached across the desk and laid his hand atop mine where it rested on the arm of the chair. He gave a little squeeze and sighed.

"No one thinks you're incapable, not even in the slightest. The position you're in... If it was anyone else, our answers would very much be the same. We are up against an anomaly, enimies who know the ins and outs of the walls and the people within. Even Levi cannot take them on, and no doubt that makes him worry all the more about you."

I pressed my lips together and nodded, guilt and regret eating at me. My anger had subsided completely, leaving me feeling like a fool. But Erwin's sincerity and the fact that he actually spoke to me calmly made me feel better. He understood both sides of this. The Scouts were all he knew as well.

"You can still be part of the Scouts." Erwin assured me, "You'll just have to operate inside of the walls. You can oversee training as usual, help with odd jobs. I'm sure Hange can always use more bright minds for her studies. I can promise we are not at all short on work here." He smiled.

I took a deep breath and did my best to smile, "Thank you, Commander."

"Any time. I'll get with the squad leaders and see who needs help. I should have orders to you sometime this evening."

I nodded and got to my feet, thanking him a second time. I left without looking back, my shoulders slumped. I wished I could take off after Levi and apologize to him. But I was to remain here, unfortunately. The thought of having to stay here without him with things all so up in the air made my chest ache painfully.

As I walked down the stairs, past Levi's chambers, my heart felt heavy. I decided to just go there instead of to the dining hall. No doubt there would be stares and whispers. I just couldn't deal with any of it just yet. 

Levi's room was immaculate as usual. I'd have to be sure to clean up when I left, otherwise he'd have my head. I made my way to the kettle and filled it with water. Levi hoarded tea in here and I was probably the only one who knew about it since it was such a scarce resource these days. I stoked a fire in the small fireplace and hung the kettle over it. I sat back in the chair that had somehow become my spot here and let the fire warm my feet.

Levi may not be here right now, but I could still feel him in this room.


End file.
